After attending the 40 Years on Reunion this September, Richard Horton (1983-1986 Natural Sciences) shares his reflections on returning to John’s and the value of kindness.
It’s 39 years since I left Johns. I came back a lot over the next year or two, so I know people who started after I left; in fact one of them has been a close friend ever since. However, it’s a long time since I set foot in the college or knew anyone there. Arriving back in Durham did not feel at all strange, but meeting my near contemporaries felt very odd. Some I see regularly, and it was they who had persuaded me to come. But I really struggled to recognise others. This was accentuated by not knowing who I should be recognising and who actually I had never met in the first place while at Durham. The truth is that after 40 years or so we have changed a lot in our physical appearance. We look young in the photos that were shared, and that’s because we were!
I’d found a sweater that I used to wear a lot at Durham which was a visual clue for some, but not enough for most. There was no shame in admitting to this difficulty, and with tentative questions and little prompts we established who was who and correlated this knowledge with time worn memories. Unexpected things emerged. It wasn’t just what memories had been retained, but realising what people had cherished. I had forgotten links I had with some people and was surprised at the warmth with which they greeted me. Looking back I can now see how some things I helped with were of more significance to others than I had realised. That rekindles both the memories and the associated friendships. Johns is a large family.
My wife, who wasn’t there and who I didn’t meet till many years later, comments on how readily people from Johns welcome others from Johns. The friendships may be loose but the connection is sufficient. By the end of the weekend I had a sense of reconnection with multiple people. Some were people I had known. Other people it feels like I probably didn’t know them then, but the overlaps create a sense of connection as though I had. Well, I’ve met them now!
At the service in the college chapel there was a message about memories not just being nostalgia but building a better future. It felt like that was happening here. A reinvigorated platform of connections, with a reminder of ‘Fides Nostra Victoria’, the college motto, woven in.
Over the August bank holiday I was at a festival and heard Mike Berners-Lee (brother of Sir Tim) talk about climate change. Then last week I heard Jacinda Ardern talk about leadership. And at the reunion, with speeches about renewing friendships from decades ago. It struck me that all three had a common theme, so common it was expressed in the same word – Kindness. The challenges the world faces are burning challenges, both literally and metaphorically. To deal with them we need unprecedented levels of cooperation. Instead, we have conflict and polarisation, and from where I’m sat that seems to be getting worse rather than better.
The theme that seems to be emerging is that we feel powerless to influence these big narratives but we can home in on the areas that we do have influence over. And treating other people with kindness is something that we can do. That could be being less aggressive in getting to the front of a queue, not forcing through a decision prematurely, or simply being mindful of the stress factors in the lives of those around us. I think Kindness is something that is important to most if not all of us anyway, but my sense is that it is becoming both more important to do and also harder to do in a culture that feels less forgiving.
All this might be important for us: it feels like a transitional time of life. Many of us have led full and enriching working and family lives but are at or approaching a transition into retirement and the questions of how life will change. While individual circumstances will differ significantly, we will all be facing a question posed earlier by the Principal – how will we show kindness in the world. We may not be the wealthiest or most powerful group of people but our connection and the sense of shared values do give us a precious gift that can help to make the world a better place.”
Photos provided by Richard Horton.
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