A heartfelt, personal reflection on Suzy’s relationship with St John’s College by Naomi Hamill, one of her close friends.
Suzy was a John’s student between 1999 and 2002. Suzy loved John’s. She was the epitome of a John’s student: she loved other people; she joined in with everything; she was clever and hard-working; she had an enthusiasm for life; she had a heart full of faith and she tried to live this out in her life every day.
Suzy’s been gone for twelve years now- we can hardly believe it’s been so long. It seems like only yesterday we were listening to her describe the unexplained pain, the diagnosis, trying to help her through the chemo, trying to help her through the tablets and the treatment, watching her take her daily dose of pills with her usual stoicism, sitting with her through the terminal diagnosis, visiting intensive care, singing with her in the hospice, brushing her hair, cutting Krispy Kreme doughnuts into pieces and sharing them with her, trying to love her into the next life and give her the good death that she deserved.
I can’t say that it is easy watching your friend die at thirty-one
I’m trying to think about what we can learn from Suzy and her death, about what might inspire you, you beautiful, hopeful, talented, lovely students at John’s. Suzy would hope that you have had a wonderful year: she would hope that you have squeezed every last drop of joy from this year; she would hope that you have enjoyed learning for learning’s sake; she would hope that you have made good, good friends and have tried new things and have been accepted and loved for exactly who you are and who you were meant to be. She would hope that you have been creative and logical and musical and athletic and that you have shown someone some kindness when they didn’t deserve it and she would hope that you have been dutiful but also a little reckless and have done some things that you can only do when you’re so young and hopeful and experimental.
Maybe you have kissed someone who makes your heart sing? Maybe you have read a book and loved the order of the words? Maybe you have looked at a piece of art or listened to a piece of music or watched something at the theatre and maybe one of these things has spoken to your soul? Maybe you have questioned everything you were ever taught? Maybe you have looked the divine in the face? Maybe you have risen early to row and have felt the presence of God in the early morning light?
Why am I asking you these questions? Because when we were students with Suzy at John’s we were so full of hope and so sheltered from pain in so many ways. We felt untouchable, invincible, ready for our dazzling lives. And I want you to feel that too. But I also want you to know that life is so short. It’s a cliché, I know. And, if you don’t understand it already, you won’t understand it until you understand it. But Suzy had just a few years – living in London, starting a job at which she was brilliant, having the wedding of her dreams, making friends and colleagues, and shining her light in the world for such a short time.
Take Suzy’s example – live a life of love and be the best possible person you can be every day of your life
I can’t say that it is easy watching your friend die at thirty-one. I can’t say that I wasn’t bitter and sorrowful and questioning and just a little bit angry that such a person of love disappeared so quickly. But what I can say is that since I met her at university and when I lived with her in London and when our friendship continued until her untimely death, she lived her life full of love. She had countless friends, she loved people who were difficult to love (including me), she showed grace and kindness to many in really quiet ways (some of these ways I didn’t learn about until her funeral), she was determined and gave of her best, she was dedicated and creative and clever and full of faith, she didn’t hold grudges and she died surrounded with love. I hope that she is now surrounded by love too.
So, what am I saying? Take Suzy’s example – live a life of love and be the best possible person you can be every day of your life. Because life isn’t long and you will learn, if you haven’t already, that it is always twisted with measures of both love and pain. Wring every drop of joy out of your time at John’s and love even when it’s difficult, love with a heart full of delight, receive love, love the unexpected and be known for your care and your love. That’s what Suzy would have wanted for you.
Naomi Hamill studied English Literature with Suzy at St John’s. She is now a teacher and writer living in Manchester.
The cover image was kindly provided by John and Anne Carter picturing Suzy (far left) and Naomi (far right) with fellow student Antonia (centre) at their graduation ceremony in 2002.
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